#Martyr

 

I was trained to be a martyr.

 

To ignore people’s comments as best I could.

 

To put up with suffering.

 

In the fifth grade David Shea picked on me for the entire year.  I still remember his name, but have forgotten almost everyone else’s name since I was only in that school for a short while.

 

 

And then I moved to Wisconsin. Inner city girl to small, small town. And once again in a very small school. I was the first new kid in over a year (for sixth grade) and I remember the two boys that picked on me for 3 years. I still remember their names to this day.   But since I keep in touch with some of my WI friends I won’t embarrass the two males who have probably never lost sleep about how they treated me. I used to cry my eyes out in the girls room at school because of their antics. And because there were two of them together, feeding off each other, it felt worse.

 

At home and at school, I was told to be a saint.

 

Saints suffer. They know that their higher calling will come with ordeals. And they often become martyrs.  (Death being the ultimate redemption.)

 

Culturally, females have been told the same thing. Ignore the male’s comments. Don’t let it bother you. There is only so much you can do. Walk away. Ask them to stop. But there is only so much you can do because you are a female. (How’s that for social programming.)

 

This past week has been a tremendous reminder of this mindset.

 

Be a martyr.

 

Suffer.

 

Put up with it. Or walk away.

 

Those are all fine strategies if it’s a one-time deal.

 

I’ve had guys harass me on the streets of Boston, New York City, and elsewhere. It’s a one-time deal. Walk away.

 

But when someone repeatedly says hurtful things and it continues for days, or weeks, or months, or even years. It chips away at your soul.

 

You start to think something is wrong with you.

 

It’s not a one-time hurt.

 

It’s repeated over and over again.

 

So I have been thinking about what to do to change a situation where somebody is offensive repeatedly.

 

The New Age mindset these days is that I have attracted such situations. Which is a load of garbage.

 

Because then all that does is make me blame myself more. And so I act like a martyr, inflicting more wounds on myself. Wondering how I have offended someone. Wondering what would have happened if I hadn’t walked down that street. Or said hello to that person. Or looked that way.

 

So here’s what I have learned from years and years of harassment.

 

1. It is not my fault. Remove the blame mentality, especially towards myself.
2. Ask for help. It is through a community of caring people that you can find ideas for how to handle the situation. It is through community that people rally together to help each other. That’s how the civil rights movement pushed through massive changes. That’s how the women’s movement did it. That’s how laws changed for people with disabilities. Community is key.
3. Go within and heal yourself.  Release the emotions stuck inside you.  This may involve journaling. It may involve talking with a friend or counselor. It may be meditation. It may be long walks in nature or running like the wind on a treadmill. (Depending upon the circumstances I may combine all of those and more.)
4. Take a stand.  Tell the person who is bothering you to stop.  Get additional help from others.  Refuse to take it on as your problem.  It’s the other person who needs to get a clue.

 

So it is that I ponder a week that has pushed me to reconsider my martyr status once again.

 

I refuse to continue the social programming of being a martyr, of trying to pretend that this isn’t bothering me, of hoping that the situation will somehow get better, or thinking that I have to put up with it.

 

What about you? Do you ever find yourself in such situations? What do you do when the going gets tough?