Dear Friend,
Remember when you were talking about wanting to help that family member? Or the friend who is stuck? You wanted to help solve her problems so that she could feel better.
Well, I have news for you. It’s going to be a long, rocky road if you spend all your time thinking that you need to help her. Because you are, in essence, trying to FIX her.
On a divine level, she’s not broken. She doesn’t need fixing. She may need help, but does she really want your help?
We have a tendency to offer advice and help because we are uncomfortable watching someone be uncomfortable.
(Read that last line again!)
It sucks to watch someone be in pain or flail about. It feels helpless. It feels like we should do more. (And sometimes we can. Like providing the basics of food, clothing, and shelter if the situation warrants it.)
But here’s what I’ve discovered trying to “help” someone for years.
YOU CAN’T MAKE SOMEONE GET BETTER.
You just can’t.
Here’s what you can do.
#1. Listen to this person. Listen without judgment. Listen from a place of deep love. Just listen. Let her talk about whatever needs to be sifted through the brain. So few people listen that deeply without having an agenda.
#2. Ask the person if they would like help and what kind of assistance would be appreciated.
Decide whether or not this feels right for you to do. Because I’ve got news for you, some people are great manipulators and want you to do all the work instead of doing the work themselves (including children).
So while it may seem loving to be of service, it might be way more loving to set a boundary. No, I will not give you more money. No, I will not drive you everywhere. No, I will not buy you that. No, I will not do that task. I love you, but this doesn’t feel right to me and you need to take care of this yourself.
#3. If the person is interested in listening to your ideas, give options. Don’t insist that it has to be a certain way, because there is always more than one way to do something.
As part of this you can teach tools for how to approach life. Teach how to make decisions. Teach financial responsibility. Teach how to deal with stress. Teach emotional skills (aka emotional intelligence which is often neglected in this mind-focused culture). Teach how to trust yourself.
Please don’t insist that your way is the best way. Or the only way. Not everyone thinks and feels like you do.
#4. Consider. Really consider…
Where do you need to heal in relationship to this person?
What inside of you needs to be healed?
Then go about healing yourself.
I have to tell you that #4 is the END-ALL BE-ALL. It’s the mother of all jackpots. It’s where the real work is. It’s the one that people usually avoid and run like hell in the other direction.
It’s so much easier to try and FIX SOMEONE else because you think you have control over this. But you don’t have control of anyone. You only have control over yourself and even that is tenuous at times.
So when you are about to embark on another round of FIXING SOMEONE. Stop and ask yourself. Who really needs to be fixed here? Chances are it’s you. Take a step back and see where you need to heal yourself.
Then decide if you still need to help the other person that you think is all bent out of shape.
Because the world is messy. We learn by being uncomfortable, by failing, by falling down, and by taking ownership of our own life.
Something to consider on this perfectly flawed day.
Yours truly,
PS Comment below. What are your thoughts on this? (And share with a friend. You just might rock someone’s world today.)
PPS If you want some help with healing yourself in relationship to another person, I definitely do that with personal energy clearings.