The other day, I was sitting in a meeting holding myself in check because I had been told the night before by a friend that my words were too biting and I should be careful about expressing my thoughts during this meeting. So I held my tongue, thinking that whatever I say might not be pretty.
I think my face was turning colors though as another person in the meeting kept looking over at me.
Flash back to over a decade ago…
During the 1990s, I ended up at a Harvard lecture with Carol Gilligan, a woman who has studied the development of females. She said something that has never left me. Every woman says to themselves: “Me and my big mouth.” My jaw dropped as that was the exact phrase I would say to myself.
Professor Gilligan was pointing out that women are trained to be nice and to shut down their voice during their teen years. As a result we think that when we speak up that we are being “too loud” or too something.
This is not the same socialization that boys receive. They are encouraged to speak up, interact, challenge the status quo, and lead the charge.
While I would love to say that we are beyond this today there are still a lot of messages that girls are told that counteract their independent voice.
The Geena Davis Institute on Gender in Media discusses how women still do not make up 50% of the media, whether it is behind the camera or on the screen.
Females receive subtle and not so subtle messages that we are not as valued as males. Heck, just look at the U.S. Congress or other political arenas. We are nowhere near 50% of females in politics and it is still largely dominated by males.
As girls grow up, we learn to be afraid of making mistakes. We lose our voice. We are afraid to speak up sometimes.
Girls are trained to be nice at the expense of their true selves.
Fast forward to the meeting I was in where I was trying to be nice and not say what was really on my mind. I was attempting to keep my “big mouth” shut so as not to offend anyone.
Well, it didn’t work. Someone asked me my opinion and my body ended up saying what needed to be said. Later, I realized that I was having an episode of “Me & My Big Mouth.” It felt awkward. I felt like apologizing, yet I was mad and relieved all at the same time.
It is time to take back our voice, our thoughts, and our desires.
It is time to own what we really want and stop apologizing.
I write for those women who do not speak, for those who do not have a voice because they were so terrified, because we are taught to respect fear more than ourselves. We’ve been taught that silence would save us, but it won’t.
~ Audre Lorde
What about you? Have you ever noticed this? Feel free to share in the comment section below or pass this on to a friend.
great post! I used to call it verbal vomiting. I believe we need to pare this down further so that we become in awe of the thoughts and verbal contributions that come from everyone instead of being intimidated, appalled and nasty. We all have a voice that matters.